Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Illusion of Back Seat Driving

I just had an argument with my boyfriend that I don't remember.  I know it happened.  I can see it in my mind, printed in nice neat still images - one from the beginning, one from the middle, and one from the end.  I don't know what was said or what happened.  It's just an impression, an illusion of memory left behind by a part who decided those were the only things I needed to know.  Accept it, digest it, and move on.  This worked for years and I was unaware.  Now I know what's going on and it's ten times more difficult.  At the same time, it gives me some ability to understand and explain "bad" behavior.

The thing is...I thought I was in control.  Well, I didn't specifically think I was not in control.  It's like sitting in the back seat of a car the whole drive and then believing you drove the car, until you sit back and think about how you don't remember making the turns, or fiddling with the radio, and actually...you don't really even remember what was on the radio and the whole thing starts to feel like a dream.  The illusion is shattered.  Were you even in the car at all?

I guess I'm okay with what happened.  At least I understand, which gives me peace. I just hope I can find a way to identify when I'm slipping away and someone else is coming forward.  At the time it feels like I'm there, sometimes it even feels like I'm in control.  The depersonalization I feel even when I really am in control makes this ten times harder.  My body always feels a million miles away, let alone the people around me and the words coming out of my mouth.  So when someone else takes over it feels little different.  How can I become more aware?

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