Dream: A Strange One

I couldn't think of anything to title this dream that wouldn't be triggering or just bizarre.  Here goes, I dreamt this last night:

TRIGGER WARNING

(For: genitals, sexual acts, bodily fluids) 

There was an older man lounging on a couch and he pulled out his penis, but it was very very tiny, like freakishly small, about the size and thickness of a woman's thumb.  He asked me to give him a hand job and I really didn't want to and I was kind of disturbed and surprised, but he kept insisting, telling me to just touch it a little and he demonstrated how. 

Reluctantly I walked over and touched it.  He almost immediately orgasmed and when he did he ejaculated across the side of my head and over onto my back.  It was warm and I was really bothered by it. 

That's the end of the dream as far as I can remember. 

I find it strange, because the man had a little penis.  I've dreamt about men with freakishly large, frightening penises, but never a little tiny one.  I'm struggling to understand what the meaning of this dream could possibly be. 

Dream: Trapped in a House

For once I had a dream that probably won't be triggering to anyone, but just in case, it does feature some mild violence.

This was a couple of nights ago that I dreamt this and it was a very vivid and beautiful dream, despite horror elements:

I was trapped in a house by some omniscient sort of captor whose voice could occasionally be heard (this voice only captor is a recurrent concept for me) and there were a group of good guys and a huge group of bad guys, who were these strange bluish partially zombie, partially ghost people (another recurrent image). We had to fight them with these huge swords and kill them (also recurrent concept).

Well I fought a huge group of these bluish people that were in a large room that was like an auditorium of some sort.  I could hear people yelling in the adjacent room that it was full of these zombie-ghost children who were having their first communion.  A man from the other room did such a good job fighting the zombie-ghost people that he was rewarded by the omniscient captor.

He had this snow globe, which he opened up and more, larger pieces of snow were added to it and he closed it back up.  It was just a small reward of peace for doing a good job.  he flipped the snow globe over and it began to snow in real life.  Somehow we were within his snow globe, while at the same time he was holding it.

I walked outside to see the snow and it was so beautiful and peaceful.  it was a large field with some trees visible in the far distance and some small long mounds that were very strange sort of hills.  I started walking out into the snow despite the danger, because it seemed so beautiful and peaceful there.

A man was the only other person there and he told me that I shouldn't go, that it was too dangerous, but I wanted to anyway, so I did.

Once I was a good distance into the field these black shapes started becoming clear in the distance.  After a while I could see that they were black cows.  I got scared and started running towards another doorway into the house.  As I was just making it to the doorway one of the black cows bit me on the fingers and I kept pulling and pulling and eventually I got them free and got inside.

I know there was more to the dream before and after this, but that's all I remember now.  It was so strange and vivid.  I'm not sure what it could mean as of yet.

Dream: Killing Abusers

Recently, I've had several dreams about my sister.  In the dreams, she always looks only vaguely like my sister and intellectually I "know" she is my sister during the dream, but I'm not sure whether or not she truly represents my sister.  I think it's possible she represents alters, myself as a child (she's 6 years younger than me), or perhaps even my best friend during childhood (we used to say we were twin sisters).

Regardless, I have been having many dreams about her for the last handful of months.

TRIGGER WARNING 

(For: molestation, violence)

I have also been having many dreams about killing people by smashing their head into the ground or beating their heads with objects.  I haven't been able to figure out what these dreams mean other than that they indicate some sort of repressed anger or rage. 

So anyway, last night I had a very upsetting dream:

I was sitting on a couch and to my right there were two men.  I saw this from the first person perspective, which is rare for me and everything was very clear, although I didn't recognize anything from my real life.  

The man farthest away from me on the couch had dark hair and I believe some stubble, he was probably around 40 or so years old.  A young girl walked over to the couch and stood in front of him, she was probably 9-11 years old and was wearing an old brown T-shirt that just barely covered her panties.  She looked very somber and didn't react to anything that happened throughout the dream, never speaking or exhibiting any sort of emotions. 

While I was sitting there on the couch, the man closest to me occasionally poked the other man in the face and looked angry.  The other man didn't really react and it took me several seconds to comprehend that the man farthest way was molesting the little girl and the man closest to me was poking him every time he touched her to try to get him to stop without saying anything out loud. 

When I looked over at the girl, I saw him rub her right thigh with his hand and then reach under the hem of her shirt and pull down the band of her panties.  He stuck two fingers between her legs. 

The details of this scene are extremely clear: the shape and appearance of the girl's body and genital area, the movement of his hands, the way he was touching her.  It's all still disturbingly clear. 

As soon as I saw what he was doing I started screaming at him to stop.  I don't know what I had in my hands, but it was something heavy and hard.  I started hitting him on the back of the head with it.  I kept hitting him until he died.  I took the girl out to the driveway and there were two men in a car.  I don't remember, but I must have recognized them or something, because I bashed the two of them in the head until they died. 

I can't remember much more of the dream, but I know I was trying to protect the girl and she didn't say anything and seemed catatonic. 

Dream: An*l Abuse

TRIGGER WARNING

(For: needles, anal penetration) 

Yesterday I was having problems with mild anal pain accompanied by a fair amount of bleeding whenever I used the restroom.  This is not atypical and happens periodically (every 3-8 months) due to anal fissures, which is really embarrassing to write about, but is important back story to my dream.  I'm not sure if they are caused by body memories or scar tissue or perhaps the cause is completely organic (although I tend to think otherwise), whatever the reason using the toilet has always been a problem for me for many reasons for as long as I can remember.

So yesterday while I was having these problems, I was having body memories of being bent over something - probably a bed, but I'm not sure.  I did not immediately connect it to the anal pain/bleeding, because as a young child I would fairly frequently bend over things during self harming, so I assumed this was a desire of one of the parts to self harm and tried to keep my mind off of it. 

Well, last night before going to bed I sent a message to my parts, telling them that I was proud of them and that I loved them and that they could share with me any memories that they felt compelled to share and I would help them carry the burden of the memories.  I have been trying to do this as often as possible recently.  And so this is what my dream was last night: 

I was a child and I was reclined on some sort of medical table.  It wasn't soft like a bed and it didn't have any paper on it like an exam table.  It was hard and bent at such an angle that I was somewhat propped up, but largely reclined.  I'm not sure if my arms and legs were restrained, but they were unnaturally flat against the table.  In the dream I sort of "woke up" in this state and looked to my side where there were several syringes lying at my right side beside my arm. 

I started to panic a little, but I made no noise, it was more of an internal sense of dread and fear.  There were two men in the room wearing white suits, almost like bio-hazard or laboratory suits.  One was on the opposite side of the room as me facing away from me and messing with things on a medical counter where there was a computer and some other things.  He did nothing throughout the dream and seemed largely uninterested.  The other man was at my side.  He picked up a syringe and I was screaming inside for him not to stick it in me, but I did nothing or couldn't do anything to stop him.  He stuck it in and it stung. 

It was not a syringe with a body and a plunger, it just had a small cylindrical piece of plastic on the end.  I'm not sure if something else was attached to it later or how it worked, but it stung badly and he left it in for what felt like a couple of minutes. 

Then he grabbed me from the table and pushed against my back, forcing me across the room.  He forced me to bend over something, which I think may have been a bed although maybe not.  I couldn't see it in my dream, but I pictured it as looking like the end of my parent's bed during my childhood when it had a metal bar across the end of it.  Perhaps this is because a younger part assumed it was the bed based on how it felt against my stomach, I'm not sure. 

He then inserted what I think was his finger (again, may just be my assumption and not actually what it was) into my rear end.  I was very disturbed and scared.  After a moment he reached a bit farther and stroked the back part of my vagina very gently and slowly.

From this point on the dream gets fuzzy.  There were more injections that took place and I think at some point there was another child in the room.

While I doubt this is a play-by-play of a real memory, it felt very real to me.  I believe that at least parts of it are true memories/feelings/sensations. 

Dream: My Hand

TRIGGER WARNING

(For: knives, violence)

I have a recurring dream where my hand gets either stabbed or sliced.  The pain is just terrible and searing.  When I wake up I can still feel it.

Earlier this week I had a dream that I was climbing some stairs and a woman was mad at me.  She threw a knife and it stabbed through my hand and into the railing.  I grabbed the knife and rocked it back and forth to loosen it out of the wood so that I could pull it out.  I can still feel what it felt like.  

Usually it is a knife in these dreams.  Once it was a triangle shaped rounded blade (like a guitar pick) that a man said was ceremonial and the cut happened after I tried to save some children that he was keeping captive for a ritual.

Is the recurrent nature of this dream symbolic or literal?  I guess I won't know until my memories return. 

Does anyone out there with DID or DDNOS have similar recurring dreams?  What are your thoughts about them?

Dream: Schools and Orphanages

I had some bizarre dreams earlier this week.  The first one started in a house somewhere.  A man appeared and he was huge.  He was wearing a plaid shirt and he had really long arms and huge hands, as if I was the size of a toddler.  He picked me up and put me in this white room.  It was a very big room and the ceiling floors and walls were all bright white, almost like they were made out of light.

Inside the room there were lots of people standing around.  Some people were making a play for entertainment, other people were just talking.  The man would speak periodically over the intercom and talk to the people in the room.

I decided to escape and I found a door at the side of the room.  I went through it and I was in a stairwell.  The floor was gray and green checkerboard, like the floor of a school.  I climbed the stairs and found a group of school girls in uniform walking down a hallway.  They didn't notice me, but I heard them talking.  It was their teacher's last night.  She was going to go away forever because she was going to be killed.  The girls seemed kind of sad and worried.

I went downstairs and there was a girl who was standing at a piano doing something at the bottom of the stairwell.  I laid down flat against the stairs and hoped that she wouldn't be able to see me.  While my eyes were squeezed shut, I felt her slam a knife against my throat and threaten to kill me.  I was terrified, but I got away.

Later in the week...

I had a dream I was a child and with a bunch of children in a daycare or school.  There was not enough food and they were all trying to share what they had.  They were alone and they were locked in the room. 

Later...

I had a dream that I was in an orphanage with a bunch of other kids.  I decided to escape so I grabbed a bundle of cloth (I'm assuming clothes, but maybe blankets) and ran out the door.  As I took off down the street I was stopped by a man dressed in black with a big gun.  He pointed it at me and said he was going to shoot me if I didn't go back.  Then someone from the orphanage was behind me and they took me back.

So, why so many dreams about schools and orphanages?  This has been a recurring theme lately.  Very strange. 

Dream: Needles, a Skeleton, and a Morgue

I had this dream on October 28th.

TRIGGER WARNING

(For: violence) 

I was a child in the dream.   I was struggling against two or three people who were holding me down on a table.  I was naked and they had their hands on my arms, legs, and the back of my head.  They were trying to force me to lay down on my stomach, but I kept twisting from side to side. 

Someone stuck a long needle into my back.  In the dream I thought it had been stuck into my spine, but the positioning was more on the side of the spine rather than on top of it.  After the first needle was pulled out, another one was inserted below where the first one had been. 

Later...

There was a man sitting on a mattress or maybe just some blankets on the floor.  His thumbs were bleeding.  I think he had cut them on purpose, but I'm not completely sure.  Tons of blood was coming out of his thumbs.  The blood was just draining out of his body and spraying all over him and the blankets.  I screamed at him to stop the bleeding, to put pressure on the wound, to stop all the blood, but he wouldn't.  He just kept bleeding.  I thought he was doing it on purpose. 

Later...

I was walking around in the woods barefoot with my boyfriend and some other people.  All the sudden I saw this little skeleton running around.  It was the size of a small child.  I tried to point it out to my boyfriend, but he wouldn't look at it, because he was preoccupied.  When I told him what I had seen he said that it must have just been a spider and I was being silly. 

Later...

Me and my boyfriend were at some strange building that had a sort of concrete patio that wrapped around the entire top of the building and had patio walls that were so high that they were at my eye level.  There was an entrance into the lower part of the building from this patio area and someone told us to go down there and take some water. 

So we brought the water down into this basement type area (even though the patio was at the top of the building, the door that went straight down lead to the basement).  When we were down there we figured out that it was an old morgue.  We heard some voices coming from an adjacent room, but the morgue was supposed to be abandoned.  My boyfriend said he wanted to check it out, but I said not to.  He did anyway, but got too scared and came back.  We went upstairs and a woman started showing me fabric samples because she was going to make something.

Dream: A Former Therapist

TRIGGER WARNING

(For: sexual abuse)

I had this dream on the 26th: 

I was a child in the dream and I was in a room that was mostly empty except for a leather couch.  There were other people around outside of the room, both kids and adults.  A man came into the room and asked if he could talk to me.  I said that he could and he started asking me gentle questions about myself.  I thought he was trying to make me feel better, because I felt sad and abused in the dream, but I felt a little awkward about him being there.

I asked him if he was a therapist and he said he used to be.  Somehow my legs ended up over one of his knees so that I was mostly sitting on his lap.  After a few moments of talking I realized that he had his hands on my panties and his fingers were just barely touching my genital area.  I grabbed two of his fingers in my fist and pulled them to the side.  He didn't resist, so I started wondering if he had done it on purpose or not. I thought that maybe I was just being paranoid.

Dream: A Man Called Johnny

I had this dream on the 22nd:

I was a child and I was in some house or apartment with some adults that were not my parents.  There was a youngish man there who said his name was Johnny, but he went by another name too that I can’t remember.  I really liked him.  I thought he was really cool.  I was a kid and I looked up to him.  I thought he was super nice to me.  He had long tannish brown hair that was cut off under the chin and some facial hair.

The other adults sort of made fun of me for liking him, because they thought he wasn’t a very good person, like manipulative maybe, I’m not sure.  He had a book collection that had some kind of porn or naked people in it.  I saw the covers, but he didn’t show them to me. 

He wasn’t always around.  He was gone for a while, but he would come back at other times.  He brought me a present at some point and I think, but I’m not sure, that it was some kind of food item.  We watched movies together and sat on a couch most of the time.


Later...

I was somewhere and all the sudden this little hole popped out of this dirt wall.  The dirt just sort of popped out very strangely.  I looked into the hole and for a long time I didn’t see anything there and then I realized that there was a weird long worm curled up in the hole.

Dream: Time Traveling to Childhood

I had this dream on the 18th:

Me and my boyfriend were in my childhood home and I went upstairs and my sister was an infant, lying in just a diaper in her crib.  She was sleeping and I rubbed her back.  She rolled over and looked up at me, smiling.  She looked so happy to see me.

I went downstairs and we were doing something when I realised that my parents were pulling into the driveway.  I panicked, realising that we had gone back in time and that they wouldn’t understand who we were and we would get in trouble.  I ran to all the windows and tried to figure out if we could fit through, but they were all too small.  Eventually I could see my parents at the front door and I called to my boyfriend to get over to where I was and we pushed past them and ran towards our car in the driveway.

My dad grabbed me and held me down.  When he saw my face somehow he realized that it was me from the future.  He looked confused for a moment and then said, “I’d like to think you came back to take measurements, because you were so happy”.

TRIGGER WARNING

(For: sexual abuse)

Later...

I was a child in the dream.  I was lying on my back in the kitchen of my childhood home.  I was covered with a blanket, but I wasn’t in a bed.  I might have been on the counter.  A woman (maybe my mom) turned out the light and left me there.

A man entered the room and climbed on top of me.  He lowered himself over my face and used his hand to stuff his testicles into my mouth.  I was scared and couldn’t breath.  I was thrashing as much as I could.  I think something must have hurt me, because even though I don’t remember feeling any pain I was groaning and crying.

Writing this dream down is so embarrassing.  I don't want to dream these things. 

Later...

I was explaining to my boyfriend that I had a whole group of cousins growing up and one of them had a bat that he’d always hit me with and I spent a lot of time hiding from him in my childhood.  We were in my childhood kitchen when I was explaining this.  He said he knew this because I had already told him and had just forgotten.

I actually don't have any cousins like this in real life.

Dream: My Childhood Home Burning Down

I had this dream earlier in the month:

I was walking in my childhood hometown with a whole bunch of people, including my parents and some children.  We were across the street from my childhood home and I saw that the whole front of it had been torn away and was charred.  My bedroom was visible and there was a man in it.  He was crazed and he was shuffling around, threatening to burn down the house.

I ran across the street, because I could see some of my family’s old things in the bedroom.  I climbed a ladder to my bedroom where the front of the house was missing and grabbed a huge stack of long and wide papers, like from a child’s drawing pad.

The man was angry that I had taken the papers, but mostly he was just crazed.  He said he had to burn the house down.  I got the papers out of the house and returned to the group.  All of the papers were little doodles and artworks my sister had made in school when she was very small (my sister is 5.5 years younger than me and has referred to me as her "first mom".  I took care of her when our mother couldn't or wouldn't.) 

Later...

The group was across the street at my childhood school and there was a huge statue of a man in the middle of the playground/parking lot.  His jaw opened and he looked angry.  He started pounding his fists on the ground.  The area around the statue had a tiled floor.  One of the tiles flipped with a girl on top of it, pulling her under the ground and killing her.

Later...

I was somewhere (maybe in a school) and I went into this little room and there was a huge bathroom with an arctic theme.  Lots of snow and ice were everywhere, but it was made out of concrete like old amusement park decorations.  Everything was open and there were a bunch of girls in there going to the bathroom and showering in front of each other.  They seemed happy, but I thought it was weird and I felt awkward. 

Dream: The Box of Kittens

TRIGGER WARNING

(For: killing animals)

I'm including dreams in this blog because I believe that important subconscious information is relayed through dreams, especially for individuals with dissociative disorders who may not be consciously aware of their thoughts, feelings, fears, and memories.  If you don't want to read the posts about dreams, please click on the topics at the side of the page and choose "Art Therapy".

I had this dream sometime early this month:

Me and my boyfriend had a box of white kittens.  Someone was making us kill them.  If we didn’t kill them something bad was going to happen, but I can’t remember what.  We took the box of kittens to the roof of a building and my boyfriend pulled out a knife.

He grabbed one of the kittens and laid it down on the cement roof.  He pushed the knife down and sliced its head off while the other kittens were crawling around innocent and oblivious.  I was so so sad to kill a kitten.  He handed the head to me and I wrapped the neck where it had been cut off in a piece of gauze and sat it on the ground so that the neck was holding up the head.  Then he picked up the next kitten and continued.

I awoke from this dream feeling mournful and like a terrible person.  Why do I dream such terrible things?  Why did the blood and the knife and the life disappearing from the kittens feel so real?