Introduction

Hello!

I just wanted to introduce myself and let everyone know what I plan on doing with this blog.

I suffer from a dissociative disorder because I was abused as a child.  I do not know the exact nature of the abuse, but I have suspicions.  The dissociation has caused extreme amnesia.  I have nothing more than snippets from my grade school years, a few more memories of middle school, and still a bit more of high school, but nowhere near what is "normal".  My continuous memory does not start until about two years ago (I'm in college now) and it is still rather weak.

To those who don't have a dissociative disorder or who have one and don't relate, I'll elaborate on what I mean by extreme amnesia.  To outline all the areas I don't remember could fill a novel, so I'll just focus on one area of memory: school.  I have no memory of grade school.  I remember the building and that's about it.  I don't remember my teachers, the classrooms, whether or not I had friends, if I liked school, or what I learned.  I remember factually that I was taken out of school after third grade to home school with my mother, but the three years she taught me are completely blank.  I remember painting a picture, watching a movie, and that's about it.

I do not currently identify as having dissociative identity disorder (DID), because I'm not sure whether or not I fit the criteria, but what I have is definitely some sort of variant of the disorder.  I do know that I dissociated as a child and adult and that I have what I can best describe as self states or perhaps alters with which I have intense communication.  I am always me.  I will always answer to my name.  I'll always know that I live with my boyfriend, where I go to school, where I live, and how old I am, however my perception of the world at certain times is radically different than at others and these self states are both connected and isolated from each other.

I have been fortunate to meet a few other people online who have a dissociative disorder that presents in the same way that mine does.  Not fitting into the typical DID mold has been frustrating and isolating.

My objective in starting this blog is to post my thoughts and my struggles in a way that will allow me to track progress while reaching out to those who might share my feelings or experiences.  I will be posting my drawings, which I've been working on for the past couple months.  They help organize my thoughts and facilitate communication between my various states.  I will also be posting my dreams, which are often frightening, disturbing, and violent.  I will be using trigger warnings for posts with difficult content for abuse and trauma survivors.

I apologize for the length of my introduction.  I look forward to sharing and connecting with all of you!