Dealing with a Crisis

 

 

At the beginning of the week during which I made these drawings, I had a fight with my boyfriend.  The parts have a very hard time dealing with conflict, both because their own conflicting viewpoints lead to a ton of issues with inconsistency and because once there is a conflict they don't know how to end it or move on. 

I explained in a previous post about the parts being around at the same time and the problems it can create.  Well, this holds true after an argument as well.  On the first day most of the parts were around and pretty unhappy.  A couple of days later the happy part sort of checked out.  She didn't want to be around anymore because things were too chaotic or maybe the other parts pushed her away to protect her, I'm not sure. 

Four days from the argument, the sad part, crying part, and empty part were the only ones around.  I think this is because they were the only ones who didn't totally go into hiding.  The sad part usually stays around through tough times, perhaps that is her "job" - to take the pain, hurt, and blame of things gone wrong.  Although this seems to be the job of the eraser part as well, but without the feelings of blame - the eraser part usually knows it wasn't her fault.

Luckily, I made it through this crisis.  Hopefully another argument doesn't happen for a while, because helping all the parts process what went on is a nightmare.  They each need to be reassured individually and even though they might all be listening inside, they will each come out and ask questions that concern them and look for answers and comfort. 

The Snoop

 

The part of me that I call "the snoop" was created purely to acquire information and to interrogate people.  The snoop tries to solve problems by looking for the answers through nosiness, questioning, and research.  She has what I would call a "watch list" of words that she looks out for, because they are things that bother or scare the other parts.  These words change as the concerns of the parts change. Whenever anything on her watch list comes up in conversation, she comes out to interrogate and investigate.  She is very serious about spying. 

The first time I remember the snoop appearing was when we went on vacation to an amusement park when I was six.  I had an intense phobia of fireworks, I absolutely loathed them.  I asked my parents if one of the shows we were going to would have fireworks.  They swore and swore that there weren't going to be any. 

Well, there were fireworks.  There was a whole firework show and it scared the crap out of me.  I was absolutely furious!  When we returned home from vacation I found the brochure that had the show descriptions and ticket information.  Right below the name of the show was a description that said it included fireworks.  They had lied to me.

I was so upset.  I felt like I had been terribly betrayed and while this didn't particulary surprise me (I'm sure far worse betrayals had already transpired), I was disturbed by the lie, but pleased with having the power to find things out on my own.  I'm not sure if this was the origination of the snoop part or if she was already around prior to this memory, but either way it's a good example of what the snoop does. 

I know the snoop is around when I find myself reading over people's shoulders, going through notebooks and calendars, listening at doors, eavesdropping on phone conversations, etc.  She has a deep fear of people talking about her or making decisions about her life without her knowledge.  Because of this, she has incredibly sharp hearing and excellent interrogation skills. 

While I know that this part is just trying to keep me safe, it is often an exhausting part to have around.  It works nearly constantly and will not stop digging for information until thoroughly satisfied, which may never happen.  This part also upsets people because if I'm caught snooping around or interrogating people it becomes clear that I have a lot of distrust.

Memories and Guilt *Trigger Warning*

TRIGGER WARNING

(For: self harm, abuse)

This is one of the hardest pieces of art for me to share because I have so much shame surrounding my childhood.  There are parts of me that are furious that I wasn't helped, that the grown-ups didn't do their job, but there are also parts who blame me, who think I was just a weird kid, that I did bad things, that everything was my fault.  Self harm during childhood is a reality that I have had a very hard time accepting.  Perhaps it is extremely rare or perhaps simply taboo, but I feel so alone in my struggle to accept what I did to myself as a child.  Do a search for child self harm and all you'll find are sites about teenagers, citing that self harm can start as early as twelve or thirteen.  Twelve or thirteen?  I estimate the onset of my self harm at about five to six years old.  Am I really alone in this? Am I horribly abnormal?

Once I was finally able to speak up and tell my boyfriend about the self harm I had inflicted upon myself as a child, I was able to truly realize what had been done to me, how much the adults in my life had failed.   Regardless of whether or not it's a "normal" response to trauma, I am beginning to accept that it was not my fault.

I have now been able to talk about the self harm, although it still bothers me and the sad part is so deeply shamed that I couldn't put the really bad stuff in the drawing, because she was too scared of what people would think of her. 

As a child, self harm was a way of life for me.  Nearly all of my memories before the age of twelve are of self harming.  I created a world for myself where I could be in control, where I was in charge of my own body and the pain that was inflicted was of my own choosing.

This drawing is about more than just self harm, it's an overall impression of how I see my childhood from my earliest memories until age nine.  The knives are not because I cut myself.  In some ways I've always been ashamed of my more creative forms of self harm.  Cutting seems mostly socially acceptable, the things I did to myself...I'm not sure that anyone could ever truly understand.  But anyway, the knives are because I had an enormous phobia of sharp objects.  I explore this more in my drawing about not being able to sleep. 

The thought bubbles with the "Bad Man" in them, represent how I fantasized during self harm.  I still do not know who this bad man was or if it was even one person.  It may very well have been an amalgam of all the negativity I had experienced in the world.  Someday I might know, but right now I don't have the memories to explain who he is. 

As a very young child I used to play-act torture scenarios, so I used to hang upside down on the stairs or cling to the top of the slide and not let go for long periods of time.  Much of the torture had to do with inducing extreme levels of fatigue - holding my arms up or straight out at my sides until they were sore, pretending to be tied up until my limbs were horribly uncomfortable. 

I used to hit myself with belts and rulers until my skin was raw and streaked with red.  I obsessively masturbated by rubbing my genitals against poles, slides, or basically anything I could wrap my legs around and I pretended that someone was making me do it.  That they were watching and making me have the good feeling to control me, because it was a strong sensation that they could force me to experience.

The ways I found to harm myself were largely undetectable and nearly infinite.  I dumped scorching water on myself and followed it with ice water.  I put soap in my private parts to make them burn - I no longer remember where I came up with this idea. 

As difficult as it is to say and read about these things, I need to let it out to let myself be free of it.  To show the parts who are ashamed that it wasn't our fault.  That I was doing the best that I could to survive.  Self harm did not change who I was or who I am.  It doesn't make me bad or disgusting or wrong or ruined.  I was just a little child.  It wasn't my fault.

Internal Conflict

One of the most difficult things for me to deal with is internal conflict.  When more than one part is around at one time, my ability to think and make appropriate decisions is significantly weakened.  This is because each part has its own ideas about how things should be run, how we should behave, and how other people should treat us.

This creates situations where my external behavior is contradictory or erratic.  Obviously this happens whether or not I have parts out at the same time - when you have parts, you're going to seem a little frustrating and spontaneous.  Having more than one part out at one time just intensifies this, because the parts are either fighting for control or one has control and one or more are inside reacting negatively to the external one's behavior.

I guess the best way to explain this is to say that I have an internal and external frontal area.  The external frontal is the part that is most in control, the part who is currently speaking and moving the body.  The internal frontal parts are those who are "around" (as in, I can feel their thoughts and emotions), but they do not have control over the body and what is being said.  Often, the external and internal frontal parts will switch places back and forth and back and forth, trying to say what they need to say and obtain what they need to obtain (usually emotional or physical comfort).

The above drawing is one of the most common conflicts between my parts.  The angry part and the sad part tend to always come around at the same time and they seem to be a match made in a special sort of dissociative hell.  The angry part likes to hurt people.  She thinks that if people hurt you than you should hurt them back.  The sad part thinks that everything is her fault and that she is bad.

So in a situation when both parts are around at the same time, I get highly conflicting internal messages.

The Angry Part                                                       The Sad Part

"I hate you!"                                                            "Please love me!"
"You're wrong!"                                                      "Everything is my fault!"
"I'm gonna hurt your feelings too!"                        "I'm sorry!"
"You're bad!"                                                          "I'm bad!"
"Leave me alone!"                                                  "Please comfort me!" 

These contradictory messages are a nightmare when trying to prove a point or participate in a disagreement.  It creates a situation where I eventually no longer know who is right or wrong, who was behaving appropriately and who was inappropriate.  When I reach this point I am faced with the decision to either continue to argue my point or to drop it and blame myself for the conflict.  Most of the time I don't know which of these decisions is best, because I really don't know who is at fault.

This scenario is not helped at all by the fact that I do not have healthy concepts of boundaries and appropriate behavior.  I'll get into more of that later.

Parts Drawing Themselves

Usually when I sit down to draw "I" am the one that is upfront.  This means that I draw the way the parts feel to me.  They do not draw themselves.  This is mostly due to their inability to take total control of the body.

With this piece of artwork I tried to draw the parts at the top as I see them and then below as they see themselves.  I still facilitated the drawing, but the way they see themselves has more to do with the way they are feeling internally.

The angry part feels chaotic, so draws herself as a blob of scribbles.  The sad part feels pressured and alone, so she draws herself crying and with arrows pushing down on her.  The hiding part draws herself hiding in a blanket.  And the happy part just wrote down how she feels internally.

I think this can give an extra layer of insight into how parts are feeling, but it's pretty challenging to do unless I have a day with a lot of connection to the other parts.

The Deep Sadness

This drawing shows all the ways I feel sad inside.  While each figure does not represent a specific alter or part, they all represent feelings that are inside of me most of the time.  These feelings are deep, both because of their magnitude and because of their repression.

It's impossible for me to just feel sad.  To just cry and let it all out.  Instead, my feelings stay buried inside with other parts, bubbling to the surface and then nosediving back into the depths of my mind.

Feeling sad is scary, so they end up pushed aside and buried away.  Drawing the way I feel has provided a little bit of a release from the pain, but it's definitely going to be a long journey.

Scared to Sleep

TRIGGER WARNING

(For: implied sexual abuse)

The above drawing is of one of my few childhood memories.  This is my only memory under age 12 that I can place myself into on an emotional level. There are a few memories where I remember how I felt, but I can't feel it myself. 

Whenever I think of this memory it gives me a great deal of anxiety.  My heart starts pounding, my breathing quickens, it's a very scary experience.  This memory takes place in the house I lived in from a little before my 2nd birthday until just after my 9th.  I have no idea what age I was in the memory.

I remember feeling someone sit down at the end of my bed.  My heart started beating and I pulled the blankets tight under my chin and pretended to be asleep.  I was petrified.  I was afraid if I moved my toes would touch whoever was sitting there and then they'd realize I was awake.  I tried to just fall asleep, to just not exist, to disappear and I succeeded.  But was I really asleep?  I don't think so.

The drawing above shows how a part of me went to sleep and a part of me stayed awake.  The part that stayed awake is either the eraser part or one of the parts from the back that I don't know yet.  Why would someone have been sitting on the end of my bed in the pitch dark, scaring me nearly to death, for no reason?  I think abuse or a fear of abuse is the logical assumption.

I can't remember exactly why I feared sleeping so much, but it was a source of obsessive nervousness.  I would look around my room dozens of times before closing my eyes, looking out for intruders or monsters or bad guys.  Right before I fell asleep I would have to check again, to make sure it was still safe.  I would scan my room another dozen times and lay back down.

TRIGGER WARNING

(For: knives, violence)

As a child, I associated my bed with knives.  I believed that I would get stabbed while in bed, that someone would stab me from under the mattress, from above, or from behind.  I would be so scared of this that I would only sleep in one position, on one side of the bed, and I would never move, because there was only one way to sleep that was safe.

Even as an adult knives are still my number one fear.  They trigger me into a state of anxiety and panic unless I am in total control.  When someone is using a knife I either leave the room or keep my distance and watch them intently for any signs of hostile behavior.

I'm afraid of being cut by a knife and of someone else cutting themselves with a knife.  Mentions, descriptions, and movies containing torture are also huge triggers that I do my best to steer clear of.  If it's non-deliberate harm I do okay.  I can treat accidental cuts for myself and for others.  It's the deliberate use of knives for violence that scares me in the deepest way imaginable.

Dealing with Hurt Parts

 

One of the most difficult things to deal with when you have parts or alters is the pain that accompanies the ones that have never experienced any joy, happiness, or goodness.  These parts are so sad, so full of pain and suffering, that it feels like nothing could ever make them heal. 

Right now I am approaching these sad and broken parts by allowing them to come out and express themselves.  I hope that time will give them the ability to grieve their lost childhood and to overcome the pain that has been their reality. 

I drew the picture above, starting with the happy part.  She likes drawing pictures of herself, so while she was out I/we drew her.  The drawing made the sad part feel even sadder.  There was a jealousy and frustration coming from her that was heartbreaking.  There's really nothing as strange and confusing as two conflicting feelings coming up at one time, because the parts that are at the front had drastically different life experiences. 

The sad parts are rarely brave enough to come out.  Most of the time they stay hidden.  I have a very difficult time crying or feeling truly sad and I think it's because all my true emotions are broken into parts that are too scared to come all the way forward.

I just hope that the sad part is able to find happiness someday.  I can feel her inside of me nearly all the time, her sadness wrapping itself around all the parts and darkening every part of me.  But I don't resent her for this, I just feel saddened.  I want her to find the happiness she deserved as a child.

The Cycle of the Parts

 

This was the first really complicated piece of art therapy that I managed to complete.  It's a map of how some of my parts work.  If you haven't already done so, for the sake of clarity you may want to go back and read my posts about the sad one, angry one, the empty part, and the happy part. 

This diagram really helped me clear up who was doing what and why.  The name of my boyfriend is blurred, but that is who the diagram is primarily about.  This system of alters has been around for a long time.  As far back as I can remember (which is only age 12) all of these parts were present and participating in this system, which is set off by insecurities and feelings of being lonely, unloved, unwanted, etc.  It takes surprisingly little to set this cycle into motion sometimes.

It starts with the happy part getting her feelings hurt.  This is something that is very easy to do as this part is extremely sensitive (thus why the other parts keep her hidden so much of the time).  Once this part gets sad (note that the happy part feeling sad is not the same as the sad part), the angry part comes out to defend her. 

If the argument is bad enough, the empty part decides that it's best if I don't remember and takes the argument into the back where it fades away.  If it's not bad enough, the sad part comes out and blames herself for the hurt feelings or the hurt feelings she perceives even if my boyfriend endlessly reassures her that this is not so.

 

This diagram is a little confusing, but what it primarily shows is that a cycle or loop starts forming until the happy part feels loved and secure.  If the parts believe that the happy part is hurt than the empty part takes the eperience away and then the happy part can come back out again, realizing that my boyfriend still loves me sometimes, but not always, brings the sad and guilty part back out.  If my boyfriend doesn't reinforce that he still loves me and everything is fine than the happy part gets upset and the mad part comes back again. 

This is a very exhausting cycle that takes a lot out of all of us.  Luckily, it is not something that happens to this extent very frequently.  The angry part rarely makes it completely out.  What this part wants to say and what actually gets said is usually heavily filtered by the logical defender part or the suspicious and questioning part that I often call "snoop" (I haven't written about either of those parts yet).  This allows me to very rarely raise my voice or handle a situation rudely. 

Another interesting thing about this system is the recovery time.  More severe arguments are actually easier to recover from because the empty one comes out and takes the majority of the experience to the back.  This is probably also why I have a handful of memories of more minor abuses/traumas, but no memories of the "major" ones.

A lot of my work has been with this system.  With acknowledging when this group of parts are cycling through and understanding their motivation so that I can address their needs without hurting myself or my boyfriend.

The Front and the Back

This is a depiction of how I felt on one particular day, but I think it illustrates the front and the back feeling I have in my brain really well.  The confused part is in this one and like I explained previously, I'm not sure if this is truly a "part" or maybe two or more parts or maybe all the parts, trying to make sense of everything.  The verdict is still out on this one, right now I just can't figure it out.

The scared one may also not be a true part, but rather an emotional state of some of the parts.  It is definitely not the state of all of them, but I couldn't quite tell where the feeling was coming from.  As you can see from the drawing, this part or emotion wants to be blind and deaf to the abuse and anxiety.  It's sort of a "La, la, la, I can't hear you" kind of attitude to avoid the bad stuff.

The front and back are labeled on this one.  I look at it as the front and back of my brain, but you could also look at it like a big mask.  The parts and emotions near the front are the ones looking through the mask and the stuff in the back are too far away to be thought about or remembered.

I'm not aware of it, but there must also be some sort of retreat in the back where parts can go when they don't feel safe, based on the fact that there are definitely some parts back there that I'm not fully aware of and other parts have to be going somewhere when they're not "out".

The Happy Part

The happy part is like a radiant 3-8 year old child.  When she is around I am bright eyed and energetic.  This picture was something I made while she was "out" about all the things that she likes. The name of my boyfriend is blurred out, but that is who she likes spending time with.  The happy part seems to be brought out by a lot of things, including caffeine, jungle gyms, animals, praise/attention, toys, movies with children, etc.  I'm not sure what it is about caffeine that brings her out, maybe because it's like a treat? If I drink a soda, she comes out and starts bouncing off the walls.

The happy part is not always happy, but she is by far the most genuinely happy of all the parts I am aware of and she rarely feels negative emotions.  This is largely due to the trio I explained in the previous post.  They will usually step up to protect her if she starts to feel sad or unloved. I'll explain more about this in another post.

The happy part's biggest concern is being unloved or neglected.  If she perceives any threat whatsoever she quickly disappears and other parts (usually the angry part) take over.  I would equate this with how a very small child needs their parents to praise and love them unconditionally and if the picture they drew doesn't go on the refrigerator, they are crushed.  Her issues usually are no more than hurt feelings, whereas the other parts have much deeper and darker pains.

I think she exists to ask for the attention, love, and praise that I never got as a child.  My father was silent and almost entirely absent in my life and my mother was extremely critical and quick to chastise me over any little error.  She was also volatile.  I had no way of knowing what would make her mad and sometimes what bothered her contradicted things that had bothered her the month, week, or even day before.

I think the happy part was set aside with all the good parts of childhood.  She's brave, affectionate, outgoing, and giggly, which were things I never was as a child.

The Experience Eraser - The Empty One

I already explained in a previous post about the sad one and the angry one.  The empty one (who I sometimes call invisible or the eraser) is a sort of blank part that absorbs pain and negative experiences.  The empty part doesn't necessary experience the bad things, but rather takes them away into the back of my mind where the other parts don't have to think about or worry about them.  The empty one sort of wipes the slate clean.

I do not call this part the empty one because she is devoid of emotion, but rather because she embodies the greatest feelings of defeat and exhaustion I can possibly imagine.  It's a feeling of being abused to the point that nothing matters anymore, that you'd rather just go away and feel nothing.  Unfortunately, it's not possible to feel nothing and the empty one is the one who got (and still gets) all the pain.  This part is so destroyed that it doesn't even matter to her if she takes all the pain and sadness and abuse.  It's just her job. 

I can remember what the empty one takes away, but not in extensive clarity.  If the empty one takes it than what remains is just a few snippets of memory, like a mental pictures of what happened.  I might remember that an argument happened, but I will struggle to recall what it was about and probably won't remember anything specific that was said or done.

I believe there is a sort of filtering that occurs so that I get the pieces of information that are vital.  If something bad happens and it needs to be addressed later, I will have enough information to do so.  For example, if there is an argument that needs to be picked up at a later date, I will know the subject matter and the other person's argument, although no memories of what was actually said.  If there's a car accident, I will remember factually what happened, but probably won't be able to see it or describe it in detail.  This creates the illusion of a lack of emotion about certain events because the "me" that re-engages with a situation is not the "me" that experienced it initially.  I just got the information from another part.

Some things that go to the back can be recalled if I am prompted to do so.  Usually the recall is very delayed and the person doing the prompting has to be very determined to get me to remember.  There are some things that go to the back of my mind and never come back.  I'm not sure what all is back there, but sometimes there is minor bleed through, like strange thoughts, images, or reactions.  Sometimes I read old journals or diaries and have no recollection of the negative experiences that are described.  These things I know were taken to "the back" - the part of my brain/memories that I can't access.  This is where all the memories of my abuse reside.

The empty part exists as a sort of trio with the sad and angry parts.  The angry one usually comes first, then the sad one, and finally the empty one.  Sometimes the sad and angry one come simultaneously or very close together.  The empty one rarely, if ever, comes out unless the sad one has been out.  Perhaps the empty one is a type of protector?  Maybe the angry one is too?

Confusion

This picture sums up the confusion that I feel pretty well.  I'm not sure if there is a part that is the confusion or if the confusion is actually two or more parts fighting to be heard at the same time.  The questioning about goodness and badness usually comes from "the sad part", but perhaps there is another part that is sad and confused?

Regardless, the emotions expressed in this drawing are with me a lot.  I have trouble addressing these questions and knowing for sure how I feel about myself and who I am.   I know that I don't do bad things and yet I frequently find myself questioning whether or not I'm "bad".

Perfectionism is another huge issue for me and all of the parts, especially for the parts that are more protective.  I'll get more into this at a later time, but the protective parts try to shelter the sensitive parts from having their feelings hurt or being bullied because they said or did something "wrong", which can be as simple as tripping on the stairs or using the wrong word in a sentence.  There are protective parts who do this more negatively by causing self blame, doubt, and humiliation when it isn't necessary.

The Angry Part and The Sad Part

I drew this picture when the angry part was near the surface.  The angry part is always followed by or comes out alongside the sad part.  The angry part causes a lot of issues and basically suffers from intense misdirected anger.  The black stuff on the angry part's head is not a hat.  It's the pressure that I get in my head when the angry part is close to the surface.  This part almost always comes with an intense headache and the pressured feeling I talked about in the previous post.

The sad part usually comes out after the angry part is finished expressing herself.  The sad part is scared that she won't be loved based on the behavior of the angry part, which is why she apologizes profusely and hopes that she will be cared about anyway.  She tries to sort of make up for the behavior of the angry part.  She also wonders whether or not she is "bad" far more than any of the other parts.

Under Pressure

I started art therapy on my own as a way to communicate with myself and as an emotional release.  My emotional vocabulary leaves a lot to be desired and I find using terms for emotions to be difficult when mine feel much more abstract.

The two drawings above were both attempts at capturing a common sensation that I experience.  It's a pressured feeling that seems to haunt me on a regular basis.  I'm not sure if it originated with a physical sensation, like the feeling of another person's body during sexual abuse, or from an emotional sensation, like feeling pressured to do or be a certain thing.  I still haven't quite figured that out.  The pictures seem to suggest both.

The squiggly lines at the top of both pictures are the feeling of isolation or separation from the rest of my consciousness.  The words are pretty self explinatory.  The first one in particular represents a lot of dissociation.  I believe this is why I have the sensation, but no memory to go along with it.

I'm not sure about the rest of the picture.  I did my best at capturing how I felt, but even down on paper it doesn't make total sense to me.