Why My Parts Are So Young

I'm constantly mulling things over in my brain and trying to decipher my parts and my past.  Since I have dissociative amnesia, I have very little information of the abuse and my childhood to work with, but recently I realized why all my parts are so young (11 and younger).

I believe the abuse ended at age 9.  I don't know this for sure as I have virtually no memories whatsoever, but I tend to believe this is the case based on a number of factors.  At age 9 we suddenly moved to a new house and I was taken out of school to be home schooled, both with little to no explanation as to my parents' motivation for these decisions.  This was also the age when I began self harming the most (although I had definitely done so many times prior to 9).  In general, 9 stands out in my mind as a significant year for me despite my near complete lack of memories.

What I believe happened is that all childishness was pushed aside during the abuse.  I hid away everything that made me a child and I behaved as an adult.  I took care of myself, took care of my sister, handled my own emotions and I had to be very mature.  I remember thinking a number of times throughout my childhood that I was not really a child, that people just thought I was a child.  I also remember pretending to be more childish so that people would not realize how "weird" I was.  For example, I would pretend to play childish games when adults were in the room and as soon as they left I would play torture and abuse games or just completely dissociate.

So, when I was 9 years old and we moved, a lot of things changed: the abuse ended (though I could be wrong about that), I made friends with the neighbor kids, my sister was 3-4 and needed less constant care and could be more of a playmate, so I was finally given a chance to be a child.  That is not to say that I didn't suffer greatly throughout this time period.  I self harmed on a daily basis, I didn't sleep well, I had nightmares, anxiety, a lot of suffering and difficulty in a lot of ways, but I had a fair amount of time when the young parts could come out and be kids.

When I hit puberty just a month or so after my 12th birthday, these child parts were really shut down.  After just 3 years of experiencing the world as a child, I wasn't a kid anymore, I couldn't be a kid anymore, so I couldn't do kid things or play with kid toys.  There was this expectation that I would be older and so I felt compelled to meet this expectation.  When I didn't meet this expectation I was criticized and ridiculed by my mother.  This resulted in most of the child parts being stuffed down and only allowed out on rare occasions when adults weren't around and the situation was just right.

So as a result of this, I frequently feel a deep unrest at being 21.  Internally, I feel like a child.  I want to play.  I want to cuddle innocently.  I want the things that I didn't have as a child, because I never had a chance for those needs to be fulfilled.

So my parts are all kids, they're 11 or younger.  There seems to be a cluster of parts that slide around between 5-7 and another cluster that are 9-11.  There are also a few outliers that seem extremely young and a few that are hard to attach any age to because they are very guarded or come out very infrequently.

Having all these little kid parts is both very challenging and a lot of fun.  I imagine it's a lot like being transexual.  It's very painful when you are forced to pretend to be something you are not, but those times when you can truly be yourself results in great relief and deep happiness.

My child parts are allowed out now almost whenever they want, which I believe will help them grow up and find peace in the world.  But I don't want to rush them.  They were robbed of most of their childhood, if it takes them 10 or 20 years to have those needs fulfilled, they deserve that.  Forcing them to grow up didn't work in my childhood and it won't work now.  I love, appreciate, and sympathize with these parts.  They are children that never really got to be kids.

A Family Affair

This is something that most child abuse survivors can relate to: a crazy, messed up family.  It's been on my mind off and on throughout my healing journey that being "screwed up" seems to be a family affair.  But I guess it's these types of environments that create the proper breeding ground for abuse and dissociation.

Both of my mother's parents were/are dependent on drugs and/or alcohol.  At this point my maternal grandmother has disappeared and no one in my immediate family has heard from her years, so I'm not sure what her standing is with substance dependence.  During my childhood I remember seeing her drunk off her gourd, throwing pill after pill down her throat.  She eventually went to rehab, which seemed to actually do some good.  My maternal grandfather manages to get drunk at every family occasion, falling over or tumbling down stairs, acting like an idiot, the whole deal.  For this reason, I refuse to touch alcohol or drugs of any kind.  I don't want to risk it.

In my extended family, there are several children with severe problems.  Three siblings were severely neglected, one had all their baby teeth rot out of their head, a baby had raw skin in its fat folds from being neglected and never cleaned and he had fetal alcohol syndrome.  They told social services that their parents put cigarettes out on their bodies and hit them and that there was no food in the house, but they were not removed.  The oldest girl (about 5-6 at the time) showed many signs of sexual abuse.

These kids' father's father (confusing I know) was convicted of sexual assault and was accused by one of his daughters of sexually abusing his children, but it was not taken to court.  I was exposed to the three siblings mentioned earlier's father and father's father throughout my childhood on a regular basis.  I don't know if I was abused by them (my memories are hidden from me by dissociation/alters), but it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Another child in my extended family was put into therapeutic foster care and threatened to kill her family, held knives to their throats, the whole deal, when she was only 8-9 years old.  She also shows signs of sexual abuse and reactive attachment disorder.

My brother has had experiences where he lost time, which were chucked up to unexplained seizures despite the fact that no medical cause was ever found.  My mom frequently jokes about her "other personality" having done or said something.  I'm not sure whether or not this is just a joke or if she's hinting at her own truth (I suspect the later).

Anyway, I could go on and on, but my point is...living in a messed up, screwed up family is challenging and it's something that many child abuse survivor's face.  Having no "safe" family members is extremely stressful and the perfect breeding ground for dissociation.  Families like mine also show the importance of breaking the cycle of abuse.

I guess it makes me sad to not have the normal family experience that other people have.  Even abuse aside, it would have been nice to have a kindly grandmother or have my grandfather teach me to fish or go camping.  Instead, I lived in fear of everyone in my family and spent most of my childhood isolating myself for my own safety.  Sometimes I feel really alone in this even though I know many other abuse survivors feel this way too.

The Illusion of Back Seat Driving

I just had an argument with my boyfriend that I don't remember.  I know it happened.  I can see it in my mind, printed in nice neat still images - one from the beginning, one from the middle, and one from the end.  I don't know what was said or what happened.  It's just an impression, an illusion of memory left behind by a part who decided those were the only things I needed to know.  Accept it, digest it, and move on.  This worked for years and I was unaware.  Now I know what's going on and it's ten times more difficult.  At the same time, it gives me some ability to understand and explain "bad" behavior.

The thing is...I thought I was in control.  Well, I didn't specifically think I was not in control.  It's like sitting in the back seat of a car the whole drive and then believing you drove the car, until you sit back and think about how you don't remember making the turns, or fiddling with the radio, and actually...you don't really even remember what was on the radio and the whole thing starts to feel like a dream.  The illusion is shattered.  Were you even in the car at all?

I guess I'm okay with what happened.  At least I understand, which gives me peace. I just hope I can find a way to identify when I'm slipping away and someone else is coming forward.  At the time it feels like I'm there, sometimes it even feels like I'm in control.  The depersonalization I feel even when I really am in control makes this ten times harder.  My body always feels a million miles away, let alone the people around me and the words coming out of my mouth.  So when someone else takes over it feels little different.  How can I become more aware?

Everything Always Changing

I haven't written in a while, which is a shame, but is mostly expected.  Sometimes I'm doing better than others and sometimes I have a greater need to reach out while other times I just need to keep my thoughts in my head.

Right now I'm a bit frustrated with it all, because everything is always changing.  I don't know if anyone else out there feels this way, but it's almost like my issues change and change and change all the time just to keep me off guard, just so that when I get used to something a new issue comes up and the old ones disappear and then I start to think that maybe I just made them up or exaggerated the whole thing.  Maybe nothing happened to me at all and something is just wrong with me personally, but then I guess I know deep down that that's not the case.

Since I last wrote a new part appeared.  A young part, similar to my punk part, but more emotional, more wide-eyed and childlike, but very precocious, outgoing, and silly.  I'm not sure of the age, but I'm guessing about 6-8. 

Oddly, most of the other parts haven't come around.  Are they gone, hibernating, hiding, integrated?   I don't know.

This is all one confusing thing after another and it's so exhausting. 

Rough Times

I feel like I do alright for a while, but eventually without fail I fall back into a terrible depressed frustration.  Lack of control is scary for me, this is why I needed my protective parts as a child, they could fight for me and keep control when I was unable to.  Now, I struggle to admit the lack of control that I have because of them.  I don't want to throw my hands up and blame everything on "them" as if I'm just trying to throw out all responsibility, but at the same time, I really don't always control what's going on with me.

A part comes out and settles into my brain with this depression, self hate, and negativity, so I become harsher, angrier, more insulting towards myself and more frustrated.  Then I feel guilty for being around my boyfriend and subjecting him to my negativity.  "It's not my fault" doesn't seem like a very good excuse when I'm lurking inside myself somewhere.  When I can fight for control against the other part and force my thoughts and opinions out in place of their's, but it's tiring.  And sometimes I can't tell the difference between myself and another part.  I might think I'm in control when I'm not or I might think I'm not in control when I am.

I've been looking for dissociative disorder therapists in my area, but they are all too expensive.  My insurance is through my parents and the one time I brought up therapy, my mother didn't speak to me for months.  I'll have to wait until my boyfriend graduates this year and then perhaps we'll have enough money for me to see someone. 

In the meantime, I have a deep longing to be understood.  To talk to someone besides him, because I don't want to chip away at his sanity or ramble endlessly about all of my own issues.  I'm not being a fantastic partner right now, which sinks me back deeper into my low feelings.  I need some professional advice right now.  Am I going to be able to fight my way out of this or should I just relax and try to enjoy what I can from life?

Oh the joys of a deeply damaged mind...

Losing My Mind

Lately I have felt like I'm just losing my mind.  The parts are all thinking different thing and they keep coming out and just wrecking things.  I know it's not their fault.  I know they're just trying to protect me and do their job, but they just keep coming out and saying things that make my boyfriend mad or they come around and make me feel like crap about myself.

The protective parts are all fighting old battles.  They come out and insist that my boyfriend is doing things wrong or that he doesn't care about me.  These are things that "I" know are not true and are old feelings that I had at the beginning of our relationship, about two and a half years ago.  So why are the parts still stuck there?  Why are they still picking at him and analyzing him and causing so much harm?

My boyfriend thinks that I don't trust him, that he has to walk on egg shells around me, that he never knows how I'm going to react and I hate that.  I hate it so much.  I hate causing so much shit without meaning to.  I think I'm doing the right thing, I think I'm making a valid point and then all the sudden I realize that it was stupid and pointless and I was fighting for nothing.  I was upset over nothing.  I put me and him through hell over nothing.

What do I do about this?

The System

I'm going to try to give an overview of what I know about my system.  I know there are a ton of things that I don't know and probably a whole lot of parts that I haven't met yet, but I'd like to make a note of what I know now so that I can gauge my progress as it occurs.

For the vast majority of the time, my parts are co-conscious with me, which means I share or absorb their thoughts and emotions.  There have only been a handful of times where I have lost time.  This means that what I know about the parts are what I have assessed through a sort of osmosis when they are around.  This means they don't have names or exact ages that I am currently aware of.

The Happy Part - approximately 3-6 years old

She is happy, outgoing, enthusiastic, loud, carefree, and innocently attention seeking.  She sometimes gets bored and lonely.  She likes playing games, talking to people, and cute things.  She is heavily protected by the other parts.

The Timid Part - approximately 9 years old

This is one of two or three parts that I am only newly aware of.  She has really just started coming out and was around most of yesterday.  So far she seems shy, but willing to talk and pleasant.  Not as excitedly happy as the happy part, but definitely a positive personality.  She does get hurt, but will just sort of hang her head and look sad.  She's not a fighter.

The Crying Part - approximately 1-3 years old

I think this part is pre-verbal.  The only thing I sense from her is that she is crying all the time.  Most of the time she is the only part that will cry externally.  Her sobs, internally and externally, are like a baby's - big open mouth, sucking in air and not breathing for a period of time.  She cries silently.

The Sad Part - approximately 6-9 years old

This part is very sad and self-blaming.  She thinks she is bad and that everything is her fault.  She tries to be good, but feels that she can never manage it because of the other parts.  I'm not sure that she ever becomes external, but I can almost always feel her at the frontal interior.

The Defender - age unknown

This part's mission is to defend me.  She comes out to fight and reason whenever necessary.  She believes that by convincing people to agree, she is saving the body from punishment - this concept comes from an understanding that mistakes equal punishment, so if you convince someone you didn't make a mistake (even if you did), you won't get punished.

The Eraser - age unknown

The eraser is the part that comes to the front and takes memories and painful experiences to the back where I don't have to experience or remember them.  There is a logic to this and she will leave me information that is vital to my functioning, but will take enough that I don't feel endangered.

The Punk - approximately 11 years old

This is another part that has only recently been "discovered".  She is hilarious with a dark sense of humor and sharp wit.  She's confident and views abuse as a sort of badge of honor that makes her tough.  She can talk about abuse/traumas because she doesn't feel emotionally connected to them.  She seems to know that certain things happened, but without actual memories.

The Angry Part - age unknown

This part holds all of the rage and is extremely difficult to deal with.  She wants to break things, hurt people, and yell.  She thinks bad people deserve to be hurt.  She's sort of bouncing off the walls with rage inside my mind much of the time.  She will come out to defend the other parts.

The Snoop - age unknown

This part looks for clues and tries to figure out what people are up to and what they are thinking.  She is always on the look out for people betraying her or lying.  She is doing this to help and defend the other parts.

The Loner - age unknown

This part is pleasant and productive when on her own, but she loathes being around people.  She will bite your head off if you look at her funny.  She is the most irritable and usually has very little or no reason to be.  She's very hard to control, extremely judgmental and is good at making everyone miserable.  She comes out to prove that I don't need anyone.

That's all the parts I'm really aware of right now, although I know there are more.  I've been shocked with how quickly I have been able to identify them.  In two months I've gone from not knowing any, to discovering nine parts!  Hopefully I'll be able to get everyone communicating and functioning as I continue to work through issues and heal.