Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Dream: An*l Abuse

(For: needles, anal penetration) 

Yesterday I was having problems with mild anal pain accompanied by a fair amount of bleeding whenever I used the restroom.  This is not atypical and happens periodically (every 3-8 months) due to anal fissures, which is really embarrassing to write about, but is important back story to my dream.  I'm not sure if they are caused by body memories or scar tissue or perhaps the cause is completely organic (although I tend to think otherwise), whatever the reason using the toilet has always been a problem for me for many reasons for as long as I can remember.

So yesterday while I was having these problems, I was having body memories of being bent over something - probably a bed, but I'm not sure.  I did not immediately connect it to the anal pain/bleeding, because as a young child I would fairly frequently bend over things during self harming, so I assumed this was a desire of one of the parts to self harm and tried to keep my mind off of it. 

Well, last night before going to bed I sent a message to my parts, telling them that I was proud of them and that I loved them and that they could share with me any memories that they felt compelled to share and I would help them carry the burden of the memories.  I have been trying to do this as often as possible recently.  And so this is what my dream was last night: 

I was a child and I was reclined on some sort of medical table.  It wasn't soft like a bed and it didn't have any paper on it like an exam table.  It was hard and bent at such an angle that I was somewhat propped up, but largely reclined.  I'm not sure if my arms and legs were restrained, but they were unnaturally flat against the table.  In the dream I sort of "woke up" in this state and looked to my side where there were several syringes lying at my right side beside my arm. 

I started to panic a little, but I made no noise, it was more of an internal sense of dread and fear.  There were two men in the room wearing white suits, almost like bio-hazard or laboratory suits.  One was on the opposite side of the room as me facing away from me and messing with things on a medical counter where there was a computer and some other things.  He did nothing throughout the dream and seemed largely uninterested.  The other man was at my side.  He picked up a syringe and I was screaming inside for him not to stick it in me, but I did nothing or couldn't do anything to stop him.  He stuck it in and it stung. 

It was not a syringe with a body and a plunger, it just had a small cylindrical piece of plastic on the end.  I'm not sure if something else was attached to it later or how it worked, but it stung badly and he left it in for what felt like a couple of minutes. 

Then he grabbed me from the table and pushed against my back, forcing me across the room.  He forced me to bend over something, which I think may have been a bed although maybe not.  I couldn't see it in my dream, but I pictured it as looking like the end of my parent's bed during my childhood when it had a metal bar across the end of it.  Perhaps this is because a younger part assumed it was the bed based on how it felt against my stomach, I'm not sure. 

He then inserted what I think was his finger (again, may just be my assumption and not actually what it was) into my rear end.  I was very disturbed and scared.  After a moment he reached a bit farther and stroked the back part of my vagina very gently and slowly.

From this point on the dream gets fuzzy.  There were more injections that took place and I think at some point there was another child in the room.

While I doubt this is a play-by-play of a real memory, it felt very real to me.  I believe that at least parts of it are true memories/feelings/sensations. 


  1. I dont know you but Man you must be strong. I have D.I.D too. I have been in treatment for 6 years and Im 22 years old. I hope you the best and feel free to contact me.

  2. brownlee_leslie@yahoo.com thats my email