Sunday, November 14, 2010

Rough Times

I feel like I do alright for a while, but eventually without fail I fall back into a terrible depressed frustration.  Lack of control is scary for me, this is why I needed my protective parts as a child, they could fight for me and keep control when I was unable to.  Now, I struggle to admit the lack of control that I have because of them.  I don't want to throw my hands up and blame everything on "them" as if I'm just trying to throw out all responsibility, but at the same time, I really don't always control what's going on with me.

A part comes out and settles into my brain with this depression, self hate, and negativity, so I become harsher, angrier, more insulting towards myself and more frustrated.  Then I feel guilty for being around my boyfriend and subjecting him to my negativity.  "It's not my fault" doesn't seem like a very good excuse when I'm lurking inside myself somewhere.  When I can fight for control against the other part and force my thoughts and opinions out in place of their's, but it's tiring.  And sometimes I can't tell the difference between myself and another part.  I might think I'm in control when I'm not or I might think I'm not in control when I am.

I've been looking for dissociative disorder therapists in my area, but they are all too expensive.  My insurance is through my parents and the one time I brought up therapy, my mother didn't speak to me for months.  I'll have to wait until my boyfriend graduates this year and then perhaps we'll have enough money for me to see someone. 

In the meantime, I have a deep longing to be understood.  To talk to someone besides him, because I don't want to chip away at his sanity or ramble endlessly about all of my own issues.  I'm not being a fantastic partner right now, which sinks me back deeper into my low feelings.  I need some professional advice right now.  Am I going to be able to fight my way out of this or should I just relax and try to enjoy what I can from life?

Oh the joys of a deeply damaged mind...

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