Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The System

I'm going to try to give an overview of what I know about my system.  I know there are a ton of things that I don't know and probably a whole lot of parts that I haven't met yet, but I'd like to make a note of what I know now so that I can gauge my progress as it occurs.

For the vast majority of the time, my parts are co-conscious with me, which means I share or absorb their thoughts and emotions.  There have only been a handful of times where I have lost time.  This means that what I know about the parts are what I have assessed through a sort of osmosis when they are around.  This means they don't have names or exact ages that I am currently aware of.

The Happy Part - approximately 3-6 years old

She is happy, outgoing, enthusiastic, loud, carefree, and innocently attention seeking.  She sometimes gets bored and lonely.  She likes playing games, talking to people, and cute things.  She is heavily protected by the other parts.

The Timid Part - approximately 9 years old

This is one of two or three parts that I am only newly aware of.  She has really just started coming out and was around most of yesterday.  So far she seems shy, but willing to talk and pleasant.  Not as excitedly happy as the happy part, but definitely a positive personality.  She does get hurt, but will just sort of hang her head and look sad.  She's not a fighter.

The Crying Part - approximately 1-3 years old

I think this part is pre-verbal.  The only thing I sense from her is that she is crying all the time.  Most of the time she is the only part that will cry externally.  Her sobs, internally and externally, are like a baby's - big open mouth, sucking in air and not breathing for a period of time.  She cries silently.

The Sad Part - approximately 6-9 years old

This part is very sad and self-blaming.  She thinks she is bad and that everything is her fault.  She tries to be good, but feels that she can never manage it because of the other parts.  I'm not sure that she ever becomes external, but I can almost always feel her at the frontal interior.

The Defender - age unknown

This part's mission is to defend me.  She comes out to fight and reason whenever necessary.  She believes that by convincing people to agree, she is saving the body from punishment - this concept comes from an understanding that mistakes equal punishment, so if you convince someone you didn't make a mistake (even if you did), you won't get punished.

The Eraser - age unknown

The eraser is the part that comes to the front and takes memories and painful experiences to the back where I don't have to experience or remember them.  There is a logic to this and she will leave me information that is vital to my functioning, but will take enough that I don't feel endangered.

The Punk - approximately 11 years old

This is another part that has only recently been "discovered".  She is hilarious with a dark sense of humor and sharp wit.  She's confident and views abuse as a sort of badge of honor that makes her tough.  She can talk about abuse/traumas because she doesn't feel emotionally connected to them.  She seems to know that certain things happened, but without actual memories.

The Angry Part - age unknown

This part holds all of the rage and is extremely difficult to deal with.  She wants to break things, hurt people, and yell.  She thinks bad people deserve to be hurt.  She's sort of bouncing off the walls with rage inside my mind much of the time.  She will come out to defend the other parts.

The Snoop - age unknown

This part looks for clues and tries to figure out what people are up to and what they are thinking.  She is always on the look out for people betraying her or lying.  She is doing this to help and defend the other parts.

The Loner - age unknown

This part is pleasant and productive when on her own, but she loathes being around people.  She will bite your head off if you look at her funny.  She is the most irritable and usually has very little or no reason to be.  She's very hard to control, extremely judgmental and is good at making everyone miserable.  She comes out to prove that I don't need anyone.

That's all the parts I'm really aware of right now, although I know there are more.  I've been shocked with how quickly I have been able to identify them.  In two months I've gone from not knowing any, to discovering nine parts!  Hopefully I'll be able to get everyone communicating and functioning as I continue to work through issues and heal.

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